My partner misled me about wanting a family, but I’m desperate to have kids | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I was very clear about wanting a family early in our relationship, but after two and a half years together my partner has admitted he doesn’t want kids. This is the best relationship I’ve had – he’s kind, patient, supportive, and we have the best sex.

We’re both anxious people with avoidance issues, but I felt safe and cherished until last year, when I discovered he had cheated. He said it was an attempt to “escape”. I was deeply shocked. I ended the relationship, but he begged for another chance and accepted an ultimatum: commit to living together, getting a dog and starting a family (things I told him I wanted early on). He agreed to the first two, but said he needed more time for the last.

I am 38 and asked repeatedly for honesty about children, fearing the same heartbreak I felt with my ex‑husband. Yet he kept it ambiguous, only to finally admit that he doesn’t want children but is afraid to lose me. I respect that it’s his decision, but I’m hurt and angry about being misled.

I am a touring artist, which makes starting a family challenging, and it feels impossible to do it alone. I fear that if I can’t make music – vital for my emotional and financial wellbeing – I may succumb to the depression and repeat the grim fate of my parents.

After years of dating, I can’t seem to find anyone I have much in common with who wants a family. The thought of ending up alone and childless terrifies me. I am trying to think of an alternative solution but, if I’m being honest, anything other than having a family with the person you love and who loves you back feels like a compromise.

I’m so sorry you’ve been lied to. I feel that your inner voice has been screaming at you, but somewhere along the line you’ve learned to reason away your feelings. This man doesn’t sound like he’s the one for you. He has lied and he has cheated and you deserve better than to be scrambling around the “good bits” to somehow convince yourself that you need to make this work. You don’t.

When you are in a situation that feels stuck, it’s impossible to imagine solutions, or a life better lived. I consulted relationship therapist Joanna Harrison, who said: “I can see that wherever you look it feels like there’s mourning to do [for your parents’ depression, your ex-marriage, your current situation]. You sound like someone who battles on alone, and perhaps this was essential with parents who were depressed.”

I wonder whether you could seek some therapy to tease out the threads of your past life with someone who is “on your side”, and to explore the loops that keep repeating. Both Harrison and I also wondered if your current relationship only seemed “kind and supportive” compared with past ones. If so, there are other kinder, more supportive relationships you may yet strive for.

Harrison added: “One longitudinal study of parents showed that in a sample of couples who had a baby when there had been a strong difference of views about having a baby, in all cases the couples had separated by the time their first child went to primary school. It’s very painful for couples to be faced with a situation where there is no compromise, and it is very upsetting to lose the relationship and have to make this decision.”

But I’d add that it would be easier in the long run than an unsatisfactory compromise. Also, why should you alone compromise? That would eat away at you in a different way. As your inner voice is saying: you need to try.

You may well meet the right person for you. In the meantime, you said in your longer letter that you were open to alternatives, such as co-parenting, or a less nuclear-family option. “It feels that it would be unkind to yourself to not at least explore these options,” says Harrison. “It may not be what you choose, but it may be helpful to explore what these different ways of doing things would mean to you.”

You may also find this Guardian article of interest, as well as my podcasts on Should I Have a Baby? and Hope and Loss.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.

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